My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
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I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Cucumbers Anonymous
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
at ease…shoulder.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.