My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
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According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
584.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
For real 🤣
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Oh we’ve met.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!