Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you

[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”

Perfect

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.

my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far

“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.

ME: What are you watching?

WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.

ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.

HER: Get out.

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows

On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.

Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”

[math class]

ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place

STUDENT: what’s the point?

ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway

STUDENT: I mean in that number

ME: oh, that’s the decimal

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect

What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?

The invention of the 2nd telephone