My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
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*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
ME:
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes