Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full

me, carrying 8 grocery bags:

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

Stranger things? You should see Tinder.

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.

Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS

Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.

Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.

(one hour later)

Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.

Stomach: Gross

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

People just like to argue.

People: No we don’t

oh, you’re in a situationship?

are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE

How do dragons blow out candles?

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.

i love meeting boys on tinder

Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.

When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

(life flashing before my eyes)

paramedics: why is he cringing?

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY