My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
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No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.