My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
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4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
We are the people our parents warned us about.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.