My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
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Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them