My favorite farside!!
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The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
oh my god
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Yup.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!