My favorite farside!!
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Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.