My favorite female superhero
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I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
why no one uses midhusbands
🌱🌱🌱
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Me trying to “trust the process”
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”