My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
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creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Day 2 of my diet
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”