my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
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[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
*my dog starts barking when suddenly 20 other neighborhood dogs start barking back at him. i just laugh & point at him*
haha, you’re getting ratioed!
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
I love the National Park Service.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*