Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.

The nerve of some health experts.

Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.

Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me

Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”

*later at the abandoned mine*

Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit

That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya

Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail

People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.