my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
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When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
How does someone manage that 🤨
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?