my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

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Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”


[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes


doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”


Making my kids homemade blueberry muffins.
*opens package*
*adds water*


If you are brave, clever and skillful, go home. You’re drunk!


[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*


WINDEX CEO: listen, I can’t have you making puns anymore.
EMPLOYEE: okay, I just want to make things clear–
CEO: you’re fired.


i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle


Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.


Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.