my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
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Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
“i am a sweet baby”
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Sticker placement is key.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.