@IamEnidColeslaw

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

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@Fred_Delicious

Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”

@moron_online

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

@KeetPotato

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

@Coops_Bradley

Making my kids homemade blueberry muffins.
*opens package*
*adds water*

@leshnevsky

If you are brave, clever and skillful, go home. You’re drunk!

@thetits

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

@maurex23

WINDEX CEO: listen, I can’t have you making puns anymore.
EMPLOYEE: okay, I just want to make things clear–
CEO: you’re fired.

@MrSpoonicorn

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle

@ilovepie84

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

@QwertyJones3

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.