my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
You Might Also Like
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.