Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.

Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

gf: where’s that parcel from

me: amazon

gf: what’s in it

me: *bleeding* piranhas

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

Potatoes were such a good idea

You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back

5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?

Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.

5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.

Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.

Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi

[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?

5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.

90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.

Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.