My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
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My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
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director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
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Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?