My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
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Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
me refusing to leave twitter
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Her: You’re so quiet.
Me: Thanks, you should try it.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
