my favorite gender
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BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away