my favorite gender
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To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.