My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
You Might Also Like
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.