Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do

I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.

ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]

DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.

Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

me: your honor, the defense rests.

judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”

Cat: “Oh my god…”

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.

Daughter:

Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.