My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
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Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf