my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
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A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name