my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
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“I took care of your clown problem.”
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired