My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
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I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
😲 WTF? 😆
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.