My favorite horror movie

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Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground


My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.


Imagine meeting the girl of your dreams and then finding out that she eats spaghetti with a knife.


zoo keeper: your husband was mauled to death trying to enter the wolf enclosure

wife: [sobbing] you sure it’s him?

zoo keeper: he was shouting “free the moon puppies”

wife: yea it’s him


Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.


*6yo comes out with dripping wet face*
Me: what did you do?
6: my brother dared me to dip my face in the toilet water



I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.


└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty


Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.