@laura_hudson

My favorite horror movie

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@GrahamKritzer

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

@jlock17

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

@garrettbarry70

Imagine meeting the girl of your dreams and then finding out that she eats spaghetti with a knife.

@tweetsbyrocket

zoo keeper: your husband was mauled to death trying to enter the wolf enclosure

wife: [sobbing] you sure it’s him?

zoo keeper: he was shouting “free the moon puppies”

wife: yea it’s him

@Darlainky

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

@monica_L1257

*6yo comes out with dripping wet face*
Me: what did you do?
6: my brother dared me to dip my face in the toilet water

*speechless*

@QwertyJones3

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

@thedailymarker

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.