I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
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Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
jesus, what did this guy do
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon