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barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I’ve been drinking.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won