my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
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Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost