Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

can’t believe I got front row seats

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

host: name a famous tattoo artist

me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin

It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

Saw online –

ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥

*getting kidnapped*

Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits

call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

if you give a mouse a fish, he’ll eat for a day