my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
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On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Anime is real
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside