My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
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Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
Look at this
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.