My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
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Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
They should make a moral fiber supplement
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
These aren’t even hard anymore.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Remember during Covid, if you had family over for Christmas the police would show up and make them go home?
Does anybody know if this service is still available?
Thanks in advance.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.