Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

me: do you gift wrap

drug dealer: what

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”

one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower

Me: It’s time to take a bath.

6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!

Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.

6: For my whole life?

Me: Yes

6: What!? Uggggghhhhh

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside

Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad

me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money

5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.