my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
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If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
S M O L
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?