my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
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date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman