Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.

Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one

me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

A duv-egg? In this economy?

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…

Mean things I kind of want to do:

1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.

2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order

Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

IT guy: what seems to be the problem

me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again

IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do

It was to keep our furry overlords content😉

society: buy a sheet for your mattress

me: ok makes sense

society: then a sheet for that sheet

me:

society: then a blanket for that sheet

me: i think-

society: and a blanket for the blanket

me: you done?

society: oh and 30 pillows

A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.

its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects