my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
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Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD