My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
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If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
How your email finds me
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it