My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
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[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
good let them take over I have had enough
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Damn what did I do next
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!