My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
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Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
“What?”
– Jude
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??