My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
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I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I fixed it. For me
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food