My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
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[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I have questions??
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
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Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.