Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”

“Eels?”

“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.

In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

*walks in on family gathering*

I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.

The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?

An investigator.

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.

My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.

DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos

The Assassin.

I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

😐

Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

Me irl

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

I started dating a lumberjack.

He’s a handsome feller.