“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
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I’m hunting wabbits…
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I finally found a reason to live again.
