HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
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Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Can’t. Being lazy.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to