Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

Plot twist-
Maury is the father.

It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.

The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.

“We know, dear.”

eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years

If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.

[in the bedroom]

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: whoops my bad

HER: and in my eye

ME: sorry I can’t control it

HER: have you ever painted before

Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.

[ alone in a dark cemetery ]

me: marco

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

If you use your full name on here you’re either really brave or really crazy.

Roses are red
Violets are blue…

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.