Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?

Costco employee: Aisle 6

Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography

Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.

HER: Let’s do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?

Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them

HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes: