My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
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“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
The first matador
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk