My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
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girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.