Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song

Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

me irl

mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green

instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away

*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*

Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s

*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*

SG- Those aren’t your pants

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”

Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]

Possum: [pops up]

Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]

Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]

My loaf of bread looks terrified

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.

PARAMEDICS: …

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.