Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the three bears:

Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like

[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life

They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.

DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

How did you get this number..?

– me to my whole family..

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.

The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

me: want to go to the ice rink?

friend: i can’t stand ice skating

me: you’ll be able to with practice

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.

a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.

I’m famous people used to have talent years old.

Admin smashed it 😂

my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener

Her:

Me: I don’t make the rules Karen

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!