My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

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Obviously chocolate was created for women

It’s called HERshey, not HISshey


Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich


I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards


I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.


Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”


i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles



y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that



One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master


Me: Is your friend coming or what?

16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.

Me: Why don’t you call him?

Son: I don’t know what that is.


Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]

Her: are you alright?