Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
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genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
*walks into a wall*
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Go ahead and knock food that contains GMOs in the meantime this hotdog just started my car.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Did you know your amazing human body actually drink lava!?!
Only once though…..
I’m not saying you’re an idiot,
I’m typing it.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.