My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
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[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.