@Tbone7219

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

You Might Also Like

@AmishPornStar1

Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

@clichedout

genie: what’s your 3rd wish

me: i wish u had amnesia

genie: what’s your 1st wish

@man_spach

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

@evecullen610

I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

@tsm560

Go ahead and knock food that contains GMOs in the meantime this hotdog just started my car.

@chlosephine_

today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower

@BigPlanetEarth

Did you know your amazing human body actually drink lava!?!

Only once though…..

@sarah1mc

I’m not saying you’re an idiot,
I’m typing it.

@CulturedRuffian

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.