@AmishPornStar1 Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
@Tbone7219 My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
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@AmishPornStar1 
@clichedout genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
@man_spach When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
@Smooheed *acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
@evecullen610 I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
@tsm560 Go ahead and knock food that contains GMOs in the meantime this hotdog just started my car.
@chlosephine_ today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
@BigPlanetEarth Did you know your amazing human body actually drink lava!?!
Only once though…..
@sarah1mc I’m not saying you’re an idiot,
I’m typing it.
@CulturedRuffian I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.