My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
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SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.