My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
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I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.