Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

What do you call a man with no car???

…an Uber.

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.

Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

So I just moved into my new apartment.

Directly below me is a police station.

It would appear that I am above the law.

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me

1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.

*watching our 7yo’s softball game*

Me: Where’s our kid?

Him: The one dancing

Me: Ah, yes

scrabbled eggs

They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.

I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money

if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up

My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

[commercial for mops]

*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*

“There has to be a better way”

Narrator:MOPS

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it

🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.