My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
You Might Also Like
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.