@Swishergirl24

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

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@Beagz

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

@Swan_Corleone2

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

@XplodingUnicorn

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

@markhoppus

DON’T TELL ME CAGE CAN’T BE THE ELEPHANT’S NAME BECAUSE THERE’S NO COMMA WHEN THERE’S NO COMMA IN FROSTY THE SNOWMAN!!!

@CynicalTherapi1

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

@GreenSmoke_

If there was any award for laziness, I probably would send someone to pick it up for me.

@WheelTod

My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.

@SamuelHLowe

She invited me over for a romantic dinner and told me I was the dessert.

I wanted ice cream.

@TheRealRHB

So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car