You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
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me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
[God creates walking]
[God creates running]
Humans: haha nope
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Right this way…”
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
“I’m not good at goodbyes.” I am. See ya.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man