(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
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The Jews probably would’ve wandered the desert for a lot less time if someone had just deleted Pokémon Go from Moses iPhone.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.