He died doing what he loved. Harassing bear cubs.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
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Me ending every email:
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
DON’T TELL ME CAGE CAN’T BE THE ELEPHANT’S NAME BECAUSE THERE’S NO COMMA WHEN THERE’S NO COMMA IN FROSTY THE SNOWMAN!!!
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
If there was any award for laziness, I probably would send someone to pick it up for me.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
She invited me over for a romantic dinner and told me I was the dessert.
I wanted ice cream.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car