My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
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As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
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Morningbreath
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Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.