@Swishergirl24

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

You Might Also Like

@blaha_Who

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

@KeetPotato

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

@NewDadNotes

[God creates walking]
Humans: nice

[God creates running]
Humans: haha nope

@RunOldMan

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

@timdonakowski

Do you sell bloodpants?

“Nope”

Shitpants?

“Nope”

Droolpants?

“Nope”

Sweatpants?

“Right this way…”

@TheAlexP

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

@JohnLyonTweets

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

@Lisabug74

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

@Brampersandon_

WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man