@Swishergirl24

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

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@mojo_bones_

Condescending:

(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.

@gruffybeard

The Jews probably would’ve wandered the desert for a lot less time if someone had just deleted Pokémon Go from Moses iPhone.

@AdamBroud

Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger

Me, a realtor: Absolutely

Wife: And not a bounce house

Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean

@Michabean

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

@GoldenSpirals

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

@shay_bayla

I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread

@Donna_McCoy

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

@EdnaSugar

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

@xJLynn

Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.