my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
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My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.