my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
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If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
My circle of trust is a meatball