my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
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robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
ah yes….my favourite videogame
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*