My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
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“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Ha
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7