My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
You Might Also Like
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
They got a point!
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel