Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”

me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand

toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it

A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

A choir of Spring onions

Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

[7 AM at the grocery store]

Me: Wow all the old people are out early.

Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.

Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”

[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.