Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’

Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—

7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

[at the vets]

ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me

VET: Your chicken is a cock

ME: Tell me about it

*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.

[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

Me: I won’t let anything control me!

My bladder: Lmao

People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool

Nothing at all like us…

“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end

There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation