Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*

Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!

It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.

Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:

3) They need their rest.

2) Routine is important.

1) “Game of Thrones” is on.

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens

Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.

Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK

HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK

HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK

HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK

HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES

HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING

OHHHHHHHH