Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

I’ll be mad as hell!

Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.

[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal

[trick or treating]

“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”

Me: potty training.

“In my pumpkin?!”

Me: She likes the heated seat.

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t

A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)

“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”

My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining

My 10yo: but not pouring

Me: and the old man is not snoring

6yo:

10yo:

Me:

6yo: YOU’RE an old man

Me: 😑

I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME

Her : You hang up first.

Me : *click*

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.